there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
