guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
