i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
