Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
