i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
This is my gift to your gina
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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