Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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