Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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