Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
