I wanna passion pit in your ass
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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