If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
