I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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