his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
