either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i now understand why vodka
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
