Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
