and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
