I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
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Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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