I'm drive I can fine osifer
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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