so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
