Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
