Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
