remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
