Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
