Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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