Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
