I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
