My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
