Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
