You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
