a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
