guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
