I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Drunk is not a location!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
