So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
