I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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