I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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