Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
