I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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