the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
