**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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