3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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