He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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