Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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