If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
