Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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