Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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