Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
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Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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