I think I won the penis lottery.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
