Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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