My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
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All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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