I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
