I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
