Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
