have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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