I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
