Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
