so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
